


The Boys Come Home To Roost

by Living_Free



Series: War On The Home Front [2]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: AU, Crack, Fluff, Happy Harry Potter, Humor, M/M, Mpreg, Remus gets knocked up
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-08-20
Updated: 2018-09-16
Packaged: 2019-06-30 02:44:52
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 3,958
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15742545
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Living_Free/pseuds/Living_Free
Summary: The war is over, and Harry and his family settle back into life at Hogwarts.Follow Severus through various points in his life as he now battles teenage hormones, more pregnancy, Malfoys, Longbottoms, and Sirius Black.Fun is had by all. (Except Severus, because fun is simply not proper).





	1. Chapter 1

“Hey Draco.”

“Potter,” Draco said stiffly. “Elias,” he greeted more genially. “What brings you to the apothecary?”

“We’re picking up anti-emetic potions for papa,” Elias said. “Daddy knocked him up again.”

Draco smiled. “Ah, excellent. Perhaps they will have the good sense to name me as godfather this time.”

“Sirius will fight you.”

“That man is impossible,” Draco sniffed. “He can’t expect to have all the babies. Nevertheless, I may have to content myself with being the godmother,” he sighed. 

“That’s so nice,” Elias beamed. “What’re you in here for?”

“I’m picking up skin regeneration potion for father,” Draco said stiffly. “His arse still has not recovered from the bite wound Black gave him during the battle.”

Elias hid a smile behind his hand, but Harry did not bother hiding a full belly laugh. Draco glared at him. “Cease laughing at my father’s plight, Potter! He did not deserve that, not when he had already defected as a spy for your side!”

“I know,” Harry giggled, “I’m sorry. But still...Sirius ate your dad’s arse.”

Draco looked faint. “Egads.”

“It tasted like posh biscuits,” Sirius said, swaning into the conversation. “Hello, not-Godson.”

“You could at least apologize,” Draco said to Sirius. “Father has been told to abstain from any sort of activity, including sitting!”

“I apologize for nothing,” Sirius giggled. 

“You are a thirty-eight year old man,” Draco observed sternly, “it does not behoove you to giggle thusly.”

Sirius giggled harder. “Posh tea biscuit arse.”

Draco sighed, sensing that Sirius would never mature. “Mother is happy though. She informed me that father used pester her for it at least twice a week. Horny old snake,” Draco snarled distastefully, “defiling my wonderful mother.”

“Always glad to help family,” Sirius beamed. 

“Anyway, I must be getting back,” Draco said. “Toodle-pip.”

“What a ponce,” Sirius snorted at Draco’s retreating back. “I forbid either of you from sleeping with him.”

“Ew,” Harry grinned, who had his sights set firmly on Neville’s not-so-long-bottom. It was a rather nice bottom, when all things were said and done. 

Elias, however, grinned like a mischievous pixie. “No promises.”

Sirius gasped and ranted about deceptively posh tasting Malfoys and how they were actually rubbish people until they reached the castle. 

“Grandpapa approves,” Eli said stoutly. 

“Albus was a right fool sometimes,” Sirius said. “Just you wait until I tell your fathers about this.”

Harry nudged his brother and winked, before going off to help Neville with the rebuilding of the castle. From the distance, they heard a telltale oops-I-seemed-to-have-dropped-my-wand-let-me-just-bend-over-and-get-it from Harry. 

“I taught him that one,” Sirius said proudly, watching Neville take in Harry’s shapely bum with the appreciation it was due. A good egg, that Longbottom, Sirius thought. Unfortunate name, though. He hoped that Harry would not change his name upon marriage. 

“What other moves do you know?” Eli asked. 

“Oh ho! I am wise to your machinations, you sneaky, sneaky snek child,” Sirius crowed. “I shan’t be giving you any tips on courting Malfoys and their ilk. You want a nice, decent, bloke or blokette, like a Weasley, or Lovegood. Even one of those Greengrass girls, or that poncey MacMillan boy will do. Just no Malfoys.”

“Alright,” Elias said. “I suppose Fred Weasley’s quite nice.”

“NO.”


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Remus has a hidden talent, and no, it’s not dirty.

“Potter you daft delinquient, I shall not stand for this! How could nothing penetrate your thick skull inspite of hours of work? I have never been more disappointed in my life, not even when you started going out with that disaster Longbottom boy!”

Harry flinched. He knew that uncle Sev was mad when he started calling him Potter.

“Sev, darling, he got an E in potions,” Remus said reasonably, scanning Harry’s NEWT scores. “That’s quite alright.”

“An E! An E!” Severus shrieked. “How any child who has learnt at my knee for seven years can achieve a lowly E is simply unfathomable! This is the Longbottom menace’s influence. I knew I should have killed him when I had the chance! There is still time. Perhaps an undetectable poison-“

“Sev, calm down,” Remus said soothingly. “Harry still got into the healing graduate course.”

“An E...” Severus slumped dramatically onto the sofa. “My hopes and dreams for the boy gone...”

Remus rolled his eyes and chucked Harry’s acceptance letter for the St Mungo’s Healer program at Severus’ head. It landed with a thwack! on Severus’ bountiful nose, where it bounced and landed unfurled on his lap. He wearily perused the acceptance letter before snorting. 

“At least there is that,” Severus sighed. He wallowed for all of a minute before standing once more, fire in his eyes. “Harry.”

“Yes, uncle Sev?” Harry replied meekly. 

“You are going to excel at the healer program, do you understand me? Top marks in everything, especially potions. I hope that you will not settle for anything less.”

“No uncle Sev,” Harry agreed enthusiastically. “I’ll work really hard.”

Severus nodded. “Then there is hope for this household. Remus,” he turned to address his husband, “where is the spawn of our loins?”

Remus sighed. “He’s hiding under the sink with his OWL results.”

“Are they poor?”

“I haven’t seen them. He hid with them as soon as the owl came with the results. He never even sent the owl back.”

“Hoot,” a querulous call came from the kitchen. 

“Elias Lilius,” Snape called, staking menacingly to the kitchen, “you open those results and face the music, young man.”

Severus made a grab and hauled his son to his feet. “Well? Open them.” Eli groaned and shook out the parchment before handing it to Severus. 

“Is it alright? I didn’t have the stones to see for myself.”

Severus perused the results before nodding. “Acceptable.” Mostly O’s. Of course.

Remus peered at the scores before looking down at Eli. “Sugarplum, you’ve got a P in divination.”

“Aw, pops,” Eli flinched, “please don’t call me that. And besides, it’s just divination.”

“Any subject should be given the same amount of gravitas-“

“Come on, Remus,” Harry said, bouncing over, “it’s only divination. It’s never done anyone any good.”

Severus snorted mirthfully while Remus glared. “Both the children are going to work with potions,” he said gleefully. “My plans to establish a potioneering dynasty are coming to fruition.”

Remus continued to frown. “They could have other talents-“

“I know that you’re upset that neither of them has your talent of the Sight,” Severus said commiseratingly. “But potions is so much better.”

Harry startled. “You‘re a seer, Remus? What can you See?”

Remus flinched. “Just small, nonsensical bits. Like what we’re going to have for dinner. Oh,” he said, his eyes glazing over, “we’re going to run out of biscuits.”

“I’m on it,” Harry said, dragging Eli with him. 

Now alone, Remus could laugh openly at Severus’ constipated expression. “An E,” Severus muttered sourly under his breath. “Good grief. It physically pains me to look at it.”

“Poor Severus,” Remus cooed. “Would you like for me to kiss it better?”

Severus’ eyes gleamed with hope. “I was rather hoping that you would.”

Remus got to work, foreseeing that the boys would take their time on the way back. Who said that divination was useless?


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Neville confronts his greatest fear. Draco’s forward thinking pays off.

“Longbottom.”

“Eep!” Neville jumped and turned to face his greatest fear. “P-professor Snape. What can I do for you?”

“You can die,” Severus hissed, “and never touch one of my children again.”

Neville quaked under the loathing look Severus had fixed him with. He squeaked something the the effect of ‘meepleweeple’. Neville has truly come onto his own during the war, with defending Hogwarts from the Carrows, participating in the battle, killing Nagini, and yelling obscenities at Voldemort. 

What with Eli, Neville, and of course, all of the Weasleys (sans Percy, his insults were proper), Voldemort was called a lot of names. The new fangled slang of the youth confused and irritated him, and he had had to look up several words. He was never happy afterwards. 

But back to the present. 

Neville stood in front of Severus Snape, ready to die for the sake of his love for Harry. “I- I’m not scared of you!” Neville declared boldly. 

Snape glowered. “Excuse me?”

“I- I- I mean, I r-respect your role in Harry’s life. And that i-if I do anything to hurt him, feel free to m-murder me in the most gruesome manner possible,” Neville stuttered, holding his chin as high as his wilting courage would allow. 

Severus narrowed his eyes at the boy - always boy - before him. “I’m glad that we understand each other. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have other business to conduct.”

“D-Draco went to the owlery.”

Snape blinked. “Much obliged,” he said, before stalking off to terrorize the scion of the Malfoys. 

Neville let his feet carry him to the Gryffindor dorms, where he put his head in Harry’s lap and allowed his boyfriend to coo and pet his hair until everything was better.

xXx

“Professor Lupin.”

“Draco,” Remus greeted the young man on his doorstep. “What a pleasant surprise. Come in,” he said, ushering him in. He eyed Draco’s prim and proper attire, making note of the flowers in his hand. This could only be trouble.

Remus sighed. “The flowers are for Eli, I presume?”

“Actually, they’re for you,” Draco said, handing them over. Remus looked slightly shocked, but recovered his poise quickly. 

“I am spoken for, Draco.”

“I am well aware,” Draco replied, his eyes falling to Remus’ pregnant belly. “To tell the truth, I sought to butter you up. Father instructed me in the ways of courtship, and the first step was to always get the mother on your side.”

“Very wise,” Remus nodded, and waddled over to put the flowers in a vase. “And what of the father?”

“He hasn’t gotten to that point yet,” Draco hesitated. 

Remus led Draco to the living room and sat down to pour some tea, at which point Draco leaned forward to address him. “I would like to make myself plain, Professor,” he said. “I would like to court your son, Elias. I have long been friends with him due to our shared House, and I rather fancy the idea of spending eternity with him.”

“And how does Eli feel about this?” Remus asked.

Draco blushed. “He is...not averse to the idea.”

Remus groaned. Eli took after Sirius in his ability to run headfirst into a situation, send things to shit, and still emerge unscathed and victorious. “I hope that he was decent.”

“Not particularly,” Draco muttered. 

Remus barked a short laugh. That was his son, alright. “Well,” he said, discreetly wiping a tear of mirth from his eye, “it seems that the two of you have things well underway. Nevertheless, I am glad that you showed Eli’s parents the respect of speaking to them. Thank you, Draco.”

Draco fidgeted uncomfortably. “I was hoping to take Eli to the Yule Ball,” he muttered. “If you would allow him to go, that is.”

“I don’t see why it would be a problem,” Remus replied. “But...” Draco’s eyes shot up to meet Remus’, wide and tearful. “It’s nothing like that, Remus hurried to say. “Just...if you could ask Severus tomorrow? Neville came by earlier today to talk about courting Harry, you see, and Severus just needs a little time. Not to mention Sirius.”

Draco nodded, and took a fortifying sip of tea before standing. “Thank you, Professor Lupin.”

“You may as well call me Remus. And for what it’s worth, Draco,” Remus smiled softly, “I’m glad that it’s you.”

Draco beamed genuinely before practically bouncing out the door. Remus made a note to show the boy more affection and praise. 

But for now, he had to talk to Severus.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Adventures in dress robes shopping.
> 
> Or
> 
> Sirius Black and the Interspecies Threesome That No One Thought Was A Good Idea.

“What about this one?” Eli asked, coming out of the fitting room in his first pair of formal dress robes.

“No.”

“Why not?”

“It’s red,” Severus growled. 

Eli rolled his eyes and pulled another to try on. “This one is green,” he pointed out.

“No.”

“Daddy! Why not?”

“I can see your clavicle. Try something else.”

As Eli stalked back into the room, Remus grinned at his husband. “You’re enjoying this.”

“Damn right I am,” Severus smirked. “We never got to take the boys to get their first formal robes thanks to the war. Even if it’s an year late, I’m glad that we’re doing it.”

Remus cast a quick glance about and seeing no one around, gave Severus a quick peck on the cheek, magnifying his grin.

“Get a room,” Sirius heckled.

“Sirius, I once saw you having a threesome with Elton Smythewick and a centaur in the forbidden forest,” Remus frowned. 

“No one asked you to come looking for me!”

“Good grief, Black,” Severus flinched violently, his own arsehole clenching shut at the thought. 

“Hey, don’t judge me! I don’t say anything about your tea-and-biscuits role play every morning!”

“That’s because we’re eating breakfast,” Remus said exasperatedly.

“As if. Hey Harry! Come on out!”

Harry stepped out of the dressing room, wearing dark purple robes that were more elegant than Dumbledore-ish on the fashion scale. “What do you think?”

“Very nice,” Sirius approved. 

“You’re showing too much ankle,” Severus sniped.

“Goodness, Sev,” Remus sighed, pinching him. “Harry, those look good. Do you want to purchase them?”

“Yeah,” Harry nodded happily. “Can I keep them on while I wait for Eli?”

“We may be here for a while, then,” Severus said. “Unfortunately, my son has a taste for clothing that reveals his navel. I can only blame his horrific choices on Black’s influence.”

“Hey! I am not a slut!”

“Do you or do you not own and utilize several pairs of revealing and lacy undergarments upon your own person?”

“Well...yeah. Cheap shot, though,” Sirius pouted. 

Eli came out again, wearing a replica of Severus robes, buttoned up to the neck. He had also arranged his face to resemble his father’s stern expression. “What do you think?”

Remus tittered. 

“Perfect. Let’s go.” Severus stood up to leave, finally pleased. 

“Yeah, that’s what Draco wants to dance with at the ball,” Sirius drawled, “Snape in miniature. Very saucy, honhonhon oui oui.”

Severus sent a mean little stinging hex at Sirius, missed, and hit Madam Malkin who luckily didn’t see who had cast the spell. Eli had taken this time to find another robe and re-emerge wearing a robe similar to Harry’s, but green, with a gold trim. 

“What about this one?”

Seeing the two boys stood side by side in their fancy new clothes, beaming at him, Severus immediately choked up with tears. “Look at that,” he said in a moment of heightened emotion. “Our boys have finally become men.”

“I killed a man,” Harry reminded them of his final duel with Voldemort. 

“I killed six men,” Eli boasted gleefully. Remus flinched as Eli started listing off his death eater victims, while Sirius applauded politely. 

“Still,” Severus said, coming back to himself. “Seeing you at the cusp of adulthood, happy and at peace, gives me more happiness than you can know.”

Sirius ruined the moment by blowing his nose into a handkerchief, overcome. 

“Disgusting,” Severus muttered. When he got home, he was going to store this memory in the pensive. Hopefully, he could cut the memory before Black’s gormless nose-honking.

The nose-honking stayed.


	5. Chapter 5

For Sirius, Azkaban was a bad memory. Azkaban was weird like that. When you were in, it was the worst thing in the world. It tainted every good memory that you had, sapped the colour from your life, and it wasn’t as though the dementors were great conversationalists. 

Although poor Frederick had tried. 

Sirius had managed to teach his dementor guard ‘hello’ and ‘breakfast’ and ‘confetti’. It was a huge accomplishment for a creature who didn’t have eyes or ears. Or lips. 

Only tongue. 

Now there was a memory that Sirius wanted to repress.

But now, Sirius was free of Azkaban, and the world was loud, and colorful, and full of Remus, and Harry, and Eli, and life was good. Then, Remus got pregnant again and Sirius was over the moon. He spent a great deal of time in his animagus form, sitting in Remus’ lap and putting his ear against the growing bulge of Remus’ tummy, while Remus gave him ear scritches and belly rubs.

Severus made sure to kick him off of Remus’ lap whenever he caught them. Only he was allowed access to Remus’ lap. 

Then, one day, the baby decided that it had had quite enough time in the womb, thanks very much, and it would rather see what the wide world had to offer, two months early.

There was pandemonium and a lot of amniotic fluid. The kicker? Severus was in France, at the annual Potioneers Verius Dorkus - “That’s not what it’s called, Sirius.” “Well it should be!”- Conference. 

“Keep him in there, Remus!” Sirius yelled as he rushed his best brother friend to the hospital wing.

“How!?”

“I don’t know, close your legs and wish really hard.”

Sirius deserved the resultant slap. 

“Only one person in the Hospital Wing!” Madam Pomfrey ordered the crowd, and summarily banished all of Hufflepuff house, who had gathered to offer emotional support. When they looked upset at being banished, they paired off with Slytherin House to hold hands and cry. 

One of the lesser known traits of Slytherin House is great patience. It comes in handy when plotting, strategizing, and especially for handling fluffy, panicking, Hufflepuffs. 

“Wish me luck, boys,” Sirius told Harry and Eli, “I’m going in.”

“What are you doing?” Madam Pomfrey demanded, as Sirius positioned himself like a wicket keeper (a baseball catcher to you Americans) in front of Remus’ birth canal. 

“Catching the baby, of course.”

Sirius was banished to the head of the bed to be Remus’ hand-holder instead. After a lot of screaming and tears - from Sirius - Marian James Lupin-Snape was born, weighing a startling five pounds and slightly translucent. 

“She’s so tiny,” Sirius marveled, as Poppy stabilized the infant. 

“She’s premature,” Remus said quietly. “We’ll have to be extra careful with her.”

Having been satisfied that the baby was in good health, Poppy handed her to Remus, whose eyes welled up. “Marian,” he whispered, kissing his daughter’s head. Marian whimpered and after a minute, nuzzled into her father like a little cub seeking warmth. 

Remus blinked sleepily, holding his new daughter, utterly knackered from the lengthy labor. Sirius, who had read many baby books in preparation for this moment, put his great knowledge to use. 

“Sirius.”

“Yes?”

“Why are you unbuttoning your shirt.”

“I read it in a book,” Sirius explained. “Skin-to-skin contact is very important for newborns. I am doing this in order to cement my place as Marian’s favorite person in all of her life. After you, of course.”

“What about Severus?”

“Who?”

Remus snorted, but positioned Marian on Sirius’ chest and grinned at the scene. Sirius looked utterly blown away by his very own small creature. “Look Moony,” he whispered delightedly, “she likes me!”

Indeed, Marian was wiggling around contentedly, her tiny limbs moving in a cute, lizard-like manner until she located Sirius’ heartbeat. Then, she stilled and went directly to sleep, her head positioned over her godfather’s heart. 

“I will love you the most,” Sirius promised his goddaughter. “I will cherish you, and protect you from all the evil gits in the world. I will teach you how to duel. I will teach you all the pranks that I know. I will teach you how to make fart noises with your armpit.”

“Sirius, no.”

“It is an integral part of the childhood experience, Moony! Just because you came out of the womb wearing a cravat and full of good manners doesn’t make the rest of us uncouth. You were the anomaly.”

When Severus rushed back upon hearing the news of his daughter’s early birth, he was greeted with the image of Remus lying down, flushed with love and pride, and Black, shirtless and balancing Marian on his chest. What’s more, Harry and Eli were shirtless too, along with several Hufflepuffs, who had wanted to bond with the baby. 

“Why,” Severus asked, despairing. 

Sirius perked up and explained skin-to-skin contact, and how he had read about it in a book. He then proceeded to try to undress Severus to give him skin time too. 

Tried, being the key word.

Severus place several purity wards on himself and told Sirius in no uncertain terms that the only one who would ever see his clavicle was Remus. He then chased the Hufflepuffs out, and took his family (and Black) back to his chambers. Sirius refused to dress and remained shirtless the entire way. 

In their rooms, Severus went to his room to slip into his robe (black). He would be bare chested in public just as soon as Black used the word ‘hence’ correctly. It was a robe or nothing.

“Daddy,” Eli said, poking his head in, “hurry up, you have to see this!”

Severus drew his drawstrings tight and raced out, wand out, only to see Remus sitting in the plush armchair, Sirius lying in dog form by his feet, cradling Marian in her swaddle. Harry sat leaning against Remus’ legs, and petting Sirius’s flank. 

This was his family, Severus realized with a sudden lump in his throat. Eli had joined the group, and was aggressively nuzzling Sirius’ furry head. 

“I am taking Remus to bed,” Severus announced and picked his bemused husband up in a bridal carry. “Black, do not slobber on any of the children.”

After depositing Remus onto the bed, Severus made to go ack out and kick Sirius out, but was held back by Remus. “Come, cuddle me,” he said in his gentle, sexy, coaxing way. Ah, Severus was all but putty in his hands. “Sirius can take care of the kids.”

“But Marian-“

“Is a baby. Sirius can take care of her, I trust him.”

And so they cuddled. The labor had been tough for Remus, and Severus spent a great deal of time taking care of him and heaping praise on Remus’ great strength and forbearance. After Remus had drifted off to sleep, Severus ran out to check on his angel daughter, who had thus far been in Black’s indelicate care. 

He needn’t have rushed. Severus dashed into the living room to see Sirius sitting on the armchair in human form, helping Marian with her bottle. To anyone else, it would have looked like a father with his newborn, with his two older sons buzzing around, cooing at their baby sister and cleaning spitup rags. 

Severus hid himself and observed as Sirius hummed tunelessly and played with Marian, kissing each of her stubby fingers before putting her down in her crib. “She looks like me, a bit, don’t you think?” Sirius wondered aloud. 

Eli looked incredulous. “No?”

Sirius sighed. “Yeah. I wonder what my kid would’ve looked like,” he said heavily. 

Harry, stroked Sirius’ arm soothingly. “Aw, Siri. You’d be a great father. I know that you were always there for Eli and for me. I think of myself as having four dads and a mom.”

“Really?” Sirius sniffled. 

“Really,” Eli said stoutly. “Marian is going to grow up with three dads who love her very much, and she’ll be better for it.”

Sirius smiled tearfully and transformed back into a dog, taking up his post at the foot of the crib. Eli and Harry settled on either side of him for the watch, and Severus realized that for the first time since after the war, his heart was truly at ease. 

***

The next day, Sirius adopted all of the Hufflepuffs. 

Minerva got several alarmed and angry letters from their parents about their family trees being updated to include Sirius Black. Sighing, she owled Severus to make her some headache potion. She was going to need it.


End file.
